A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I've thought long and hard about what to write and how to start this blog.(Well okay, fifteen minutes over a whole bag of popcorn) I admit it's somewhat strange on my part to focus on Stanley Tucci, because he is a 'movie star', but recently I have been through some devastating life experiences and have wanted to look for a light at the end of the tunnel.

In a nutshell, yes I used the word nutshell, I was married for eleven years. It was great. Fabulous! I loved having a companion to share my hopes and ideas. I was looking towards the future, when I came home and found my things in the garage. Apparently my marriage wasn't going as well as I thought.

I lost everything in a matter of a month. My house, my things, my marriage, my belief system, and even my damn dog.

Swimming in the dark hole of which was now my life, I needed hope, something to pull me out. I had been crying for hours one night and was mulling over my broken heart, when my mother, who had been constantly at my side, asked me what would make me happy. I laughed and choked on my tears and unexpectedly burst out with 'Stanley Tucci and New York'. My mother laughed in surprise and confusion. I explained that besides, thinking he was gorgeous, I also admired his creativity, acting, and his ability to push through some tough times himself....losing his wife and raising his three children. As far as New York goes, that would be a cool place to visit. The art 'Mecca'.

Running to Quiet the Mind

Feeling the air push past me as I run, helps to quiet my mind. Pockets of cold air swirl around my legs as I run down into a ravine along the dirt trail, but quickly dissipates when I hit pavement again. I run along the back of homes which line the mountain. Wildflowers are in bloom and I can smell the pungent fragrance of honeysuckle and rose. Sprinklers dust the perfectly manicured yards and the sound of their movement gives me a feeling of quaint familiarity. The simple joy of living in suburbia. The view along the bench is stunning, as the growing lights twinkle in the distance. I can still see the faint outline of the city as the sun dips behind the mountains. Running helps me to be in the moment, giving a sense of peace and a feeling that 'everything is right with the world'. And today it was.

My mind has been stuck lately. It's amazing how we play an event over and over, thinking we will be able to fix it or hoping we won't repeat the same mistake. I keep turning over the end of my marriage. Asking questions like, 'How did it happen', and 'How can someone be so cold'. As the divorce was taking place, I was in shock, not able to process the whole picture. I wondered why he put most of my stuff in the garage and to insisted on keeping my snow shoes, bike, and other outdoorsy items. All of these items were made especially for women?

Eight months later and my mind is finally able to see through the pain and put the pieces together. I'm trying to get the full picture of what happened. I now have a part of the puzzle. I believe he started an affair on one of his business trips, or possibly before. Instead of rescheduling his trip to Philadelphia so he would be able to attend my brothers wedding, he insisted it was critical that he fly out for the weekend. As soon as he arrived home he dropped the divorce bomb on me. What had happened?

Seeing pictures of him with his new girlfriend, I now understand that he wanted to keep my things so she would be able to use them. Some of their pictures together are of her drinking out of my camping coffee cup, sitting in my chair, using my sleeping bag, and petting my dog. I have been replaced.

I admit that she seems a better fit as far as common interests, but it still hurts that he was able to quickly move on with his life. No consequences for being an adulter and for the manner in which he discarded me. Eleven years of marriage and I was replaced in an instant.

Hoping to understand and heal. I may never understand. But I know I was able to maintain who I am under extreme pressure and handle the situation with dignity and grace. I enjoy redefining myself into hopefully a stronger person, and I know, with time, that I will be able to trust another person again.

A Decision

Many of us have been through some tough times, whether it be a death of a loved one, divorce, the loss of a job. We try to heal and move on....have hope. We go through the grieving process, and give it time. But what if it doesn't get any better?

You have probably heard the cliche 'With time everything heals' or 'Time reveals all'. I do believe these sayings, but I am now finding that maybe we have to make a conscience decision to stop grieving. Enough is enough. Start a new thought pattern and block out the negative memories and past. By doing this are we just in denial and postponing the grief or does it let us move on?

Today I have made a decision to not be sad. To be happy and go out and do the things I love. If my memories of my marriage and all the hurtful things try to creep in, I will think of something else, forming a new thought pattern. If the feeling persists, then I will write my thoughts down and leave my worries and pain on the page. That's the plan for now anyhow.

Happy Fourth of July

Wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Fourth of July. Hopefully you are enjoying a nice barbecue with family and friends. You just can't beat this weather. I'm working at the gallery today and then running over to Salt Lake for a Plein Air competition. Keeping my fingers crossed that I win the $500 bucks. That would be good. No, actually, excellent! And if I'm lucky, I will find something fun to do afterwards....the night is full of possiblities.

Words of Affirmation

I have made a decision. To wake up every morning and think positive thoughts and visualize my future. So, I had the rather brilliant idea(stolen from somewhere I'm sure)of putting up words of affirmation on my wall.

Coloring, cutting, and uniquely designing each word, so that all would be special and positive. As I gently taped up the last artistically crafted word on the wall, 'breath', my mother came in and informed me that I had misspelled 'breath' and that I needed an 'e' at the end. I was quickly deflated, but not defeated. I was not going to let an 'e' hold me back! I walked over to my paper and scribbled an 'e' out and slapped it on the wall. There! Done at last! My life complete and off to a positive start.

Somewhere in the middle of the night all my tape came loose and my words of affirmation fell on top of me. Not a good sign. I will use push pins the next time around.

Cold Feet or Wet Feet?

As I was walking through the parking lot, hurrying to work, my foot stepped off the sidewalk onto the lawn. Immediately my foot sunk into the ground. Dammit! Broken sprinkler head, as my leather shoe discovered. I tried desperately to shake off the excess water to no avail. The deed had been done. It was soaked through. Oh well, must continue walking and hopefully get to work early enough for coffee-my main priority.

So basically all day one foot was dry and the other one stayed wet. As I walked around talking to clients the one foot could be heard swooshing and swishing around the room. I overheard one man saying, 'What is that noise?', as my wet foot echoed throughout the gallery. I quickly stopped walking, hoping he would not noticed that it was coming from the direction of my feet and then glance down and see that I had one dark shoe. How to explain?

Life can be tough and with one wet foot, it can be even tougher.