There is No Lion at the Door

The hum of the industrial fan drowns out the voice of the instructor.  I can see her mouth moving but I can't hear her voice. It's like drowning in water.

I want to get up and move. I need to be somewhere doing something. Anything.  Anywhere other than sitting in class trying to figure out a hundred different ways to categorize and define the word curriculum.

Feeling frantic that my life is slipping away as I sit. My heart starts to race.

Then I realize that I don't have anywhere to be-no crisis to advert.  No unpaid bills, no late assignments, nothing to straighten. No one's happiness to maintain.

Am I bored?  Is this a form of contentment?  Am I in limbo?

My body has been in a 'Fight and Flight Response' for so long that I have forgotten how to just sit and be still.

Productivity has given me value.

In my marriage I had to justify every move and show a product. 'Look at me! I baked a cake, cooked a gourmet meal, waxed the car, exercised two hours for a perfect body, and brought home a paycheck', I would eagerly report to my productivity parole officer (The Ex).

If things were not done up to his high standards there would be.....consequences.

My self-worth has been tied to how much I earned, how much I worked, how much I cleaned, how many tiny errands I could accomplish without having to bother the husband.  Because I gave him all my power, I valued him over myself.

I have a hard time being alone. It's too quiet.  I used to be able to sit down and write, and paint. Now it makes me nervous.  Nervous that my product won't be perfect and I will have to justify my time.  But now I'm in charge and I have to reassure myself that I'm okay just being me.   

How do I relearn to be still and listen? Enjoy my freedom.

It's the first time in a long time, that I don't have to look over my shoulder.

I still feel haunted, I tell myself there is no lion waiting at the door.....  I am safe.